Dear God. Good grief. For feck’s sake. Christ Almighty. Coldplay best British band?!
Let us be clear; Coldplay is the band of choice for those who don’t actually like music. Whiney, bland, soulless, corporate mogadon. Scared music might actually make you feel something? Have no fear, Coldplay are here.
Their fans are middle-class Tarquins and Jocastas. They’ll shop at Habitat and the straggly-bearded, bespectacled men, emasculated and crushed as they are, will wear their babies in papooses across their chests, all the clearer to announce the absence of testosterone, passion and recklessness of spirit.
Tarquin and Jocasta will see Coldplay live just once, preferably at Glastonbury, where they’ll bring out the Laura Ashley picnic basket, replete with Fortnum and Mason’s finest.
The edgiest experience of their pampered, middle class, suburban lives, they’ll brag about their one-off, oh-so edgy encounter with rock ‘n’ roll, daaaahling, to their accountant and media professional friends at Islington dinner parties for the rest of the year.
Once the high of the organic Peruvian wine has set in, they’ll whip off the world music compilation recorded by Amazonian natives and slip in a Coldplay album. They’re so down with the kids. They’re so street. They’re so sex drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Daaaahling.
Chris Martin, all wobbly and plaintive castrato, with his middle-class anaemic wife, are the poster couple for Tarquin and Jocasta. They’ll probably name their kids after them.
A band that stands for nothing, says nothing and does nothing that might actually make anyone feel anything are the soundtrack for our times. Musical valium; the perfect accompaniment to not thinking. Not caring. Not feeling. While the world slides into the abyss.
Every time someone plays a Coldplay song, the total defeat of humanity edges just that little bit closer. While ever music is the ultimate artistic expression of the human condition, while ever it remains the joyous, ecstatic celebration of what it means to be alive, to be in love, to be angry, to be sad, to be human, Coldplay will be despised by all whose hearts continue to beat.
Of course, it had to be the Brits, didn’t it? That extravaganza of mediocrity. That celebration of hype over substance. That orgy of shallowness and the triumph of marketing over talent.
Everyone of you who voted for Coldplay, who even gave credence to the blot on the artistic landscape that is the fecking Brit Awards, has a bullet reserved with your name on it. Come the revolution, people…
Shame on you. The shades of Hendrix, Morrison, Joplin, Bonham, Lynott and Moon condemn you all.
Now I need to vomit. And then weep for humanity.
I am pleased to say I have never heard any of Coldplay’s music. Ever. Well, not knowingly, anyway.
Are they really as bad as everybody insists?
Yes.
You may well have heard some and not been aware of it. Much like distant traffic noise, your brain may simply have refused to focus on it. Coldplay are not the blandest thing on earth, but only because they’re not interesting enough to merit the recognition that title would bestow on them.
Listen Arshole – I carry my baby in a carrier slung across my chest and I’d beat the shit out of you any day even with baby still on board.
Now get back to posting links on blogs that people want to read – you dickhead.
Brilliant!
Excellent! I love comments like this!
Middle Class people are not called Tarquin. That’s for the upper classes. Those that you described so eloquently. Can you please refrain from bashing the middle classes. Your beef is with the upper classes. Mine is with the underclasses. I’ll agree with you about Coldplay though. Pure MOR.
So true but then in the UK it’s all “about popular music”, radio doesn’t cater for anything else ! So u can’t help but brainwash the general public with mediocre shit day in day out !
Where is all the rock music these days ?
Sleigh Bells, Trash Talk, Girls, Male Bonding, The War On Drugs, The Men, Iceage, Ty Segall, Fucked Up… I could go on. It’s out there if you look for it.
The Brits is as big a joke as thd Metcury Awards – recognition for how shit the music industry is in the UK !
Our friends in America must laugh at the tunnel vision deafness within a stagnant corrupt music industry in the UK.
This whole article reeks of sub-Charlie Brooker bile. Attacking a band like Coldplay serves no purpose whatsoever. It’s like criticising milk. As for the awful class generalisations, do grow up. I stopped thinking in those terms when I was 16. I assume you’re (ever-so-slightly) older than that and that you have lived in the same UK as the rest of us for the last 30 years to know that our alleged class system is not the problem; it’s ignorance and hatred. Save your tears and fix your attitude.
If I hadn’t read this ridiculous article, I wouldn’t have known or cared that Coldplay won at the Brit Awards and now I do, well, I still couldn’t care less. As a DJ, I love the music I listen to and the rest – and all the pointless vitriol that goes with – can take a running jump. Fair play to Coldplay, mind; you might hate them but they still squeezed some column inches out of you. Sucker.
Don’t even get me started on the cult of rock necrophilia that you sign off with. I wouldn’t trust the opinion of anyone who thinks that choking on one’s own vomit is a worthwhile or rock n’ roll death.
Do you know someone who thinks choking on one’s own vomit is somehow worthy and admirable, then? And, if so, it’s relevant because…?
“Shame on you. The shades of Hendrix, Morrison, Joplin, Bonham, Lynott and Moon condemn you all.”
I was citing this sentence. By what authority do these dead people get to condemn Chris Martin and his admittedly forgettable bandmates? Hendrix couldn’t sing. Morrison was a terrible poet. Bonham was an alcoholic as was Joplin. In their brief time, they left a few memorable tunes (or played along to them in Moon’s and Bonham’s case). This blog is classic midlife crisis material from someone clinging to the safety of certified rock history while bashing another band for being safe and inoffensive. Pot Kettle Black, anyone?
Internet argument! Yay! Fight! Fight! Fight!
coldplay are shit but what was your blog about? i fucking PROMISE there was NOT ONE incident of a tarquin and jocanta eating fortnum and masons off a whatever brand picnic blanket watching coldplay at glastonbury. in short i call you BULLSHIT. unless you are using exagerated cliche and if so you are as bad a coldplay you fucking idiot hypocrite
you can cut ‘fucking idiot’ out the last post there’s absolutely no need for that is there!
and i don’t know if you have ever met the likes of people you diss but there’s a lot of people who happen to work in the corporate world and live in islington who are smart and funny etc etc, good to talk to, and UNLESS THEYRE IN A CARTOON, wouldnt go on about coldplay edginess. i mean ffs, do you ever meet people?
AND WHAT THE FUCK DOES JIMI HENDRIX GOT TO DO WITH THE FUCKING BRITS SPONSORED BY MASTERCARD YOU MUPPET? you shame hendrix by bringing him up (excuse the pun) in the context of corporate whore music. what the fuck did you even watch it for. i didnt mate, thats for fucking sure. in the same way i wuldnt watch fukcing Playschool or read Harry POtter. answer me please, what does hendrix have to do with the Brits?
How utterly original, let’s have a bash at Coldplay. You elitist music snob.
Bugger me Harry you riled the Trolls this time mate and I bet Gwyneth sent the buggers round coz little Chris is having a good cry because of you, you naughty boy.
I think the point that all of the Troll’s are missing here is that there is some real unrecognised talent in this country and Coldplay are (in many people’s opinion – evidently Harry’s) fairly talentless. So to be recognised by any institution, even one as vacuous as the Brits, as ‘best band’ drives people with real love of all kinds of music to despair.
I feel Harry’s frustration. I was similarly annoyed when NME (or some other rag) posted Nirvana at number 1 in their chart of ‘most influential band in the world’. I quite like Nirvana… but wtf!?
I enjoyed the rant Harry… And the responses… A shame nothing will change and that next year some other talentless drones will win a similar accolade.
Spot on, Matt. Someone gets it. Thank God…
I think this blog misses its own point, if it even had one other than to vent spleen about the utter inoffensiveness of Coldplay. Knocking the Brits is completely deserved but ultimately pointless. After all, it’s an award ceremony that is by the industry for the industry; one huge back-slapping exercise about sales targets and market penetration. It’s all about product and, as such, Coldplay are one of many products that have performed well. If you look at all the winners, you can pretty much guarantee they have shifted some serious units (or have potential to). If you tune into the Brits expecting originality or rawness or spirit, then you have come to the wrong place. I know this and, forewarned, I choose not to watch the Brits.
But then, the blog takes an unusual turn attempts class commentary, using such backward stereotypes that I think even Little Britain would reject. Personally, I can’t think of anything more middle-class than two freelancers working in the media or arts (journalist and photographer, wasn’t it?) and a house full of children and cats. I mean, come on! Just because someone listens to Metal (a genre usually associated with moody adolescents), it doesn’t mean they have a harder take on the world or some hitherto untapped ability to target the bland and single it out for justice. For the record, I can’t even be bothered with the musical output Coldplay but I loathe this type of lazy journalism. It’s not that I don’t “get it” either. Read between the lines and you can see this piece is written from a similarly cosy position as those Tarquin’s and Jocasta’s Harry claims to despise so much. That, I think, is the funniest thing about the whole piece.
Dave Boring, firstly, thank you for the (inordinate?) amount of time you’ve devoted to my “pointless” “lazy” “sub-Charlie Booker bile”. It’s appreciated and more than justified the ten minutes it took to vent that particular piece of spleen
Secondly, the carefully constructed straw men you position can’t disguise the spectacular missing of the point you seem insistent on continuing.
The point is simply this: By peddling such bland, safe and unchallenging fare, bands like Coldplay willingly assist the record biz in shaping and moulding tastes and expectations among the general music-purchasing populace. This has a profoundly negative impact in that genuinely exciting, innovative and talented artists not only barely get a look-in but also flog themselves to death for barely a living, in many cases.
There is no musical snobbery here. Someone likes Coldplay? Fine. But if that means the finite resources of the music biz are targeted toward their continuing hype in the name of profit while a band like Captain Horizon remains unsigned, then that’s a travesty.
It’s the lowest common denominator, isn’t it? The path of least resistance and maximum profit ensuring that those three-album development deals, where a young, genuinely exciting band, could learn their craft and stand a reasonable chance of carving out a decent career, are now gone forever. And please don’t reply with a convoluted piece arguing that the blame lies with downloading, digital technology etc. The fact remains there is room at the top. My point is that those at the top are there not by virtue of talent but by virtue of cynically playing the corporate game and entire generations of potentially ground-breaking acts never get a look in as a result.
Finally the class-based angle was inspired by a real couple (obviously not named ‘Tarquin’ and ‘Jocasta’) who seemed, to me, to be about as text-book a pair as one could imagine liking a band like Coldplay.
By contrast, despite the cats and kids, I am solidly working-class and continue to live in a solidly working class area as befits my modest means. No class envy, either. I simply see a link between the sort of dumbed down culture foisted upon us by our consumerist society and bands like Coldplay, who fit perfectly into that schema.
After all, there not a hope in hell a band like the Sex Pistols or The Clash could get signed today and I think that’s very significant…
For someone who hates Coldplay because their whinny, you sure are a whinny bastard. Boo Hoo, your band Captain Horizon did not make it big, that’s nobody’s fault but themselves. You want to blame it on cooperate and all that shit, when that’s not the matter. And just because you don’t like a band’s music doesn’t mean that band or musician is not talented. They play many instruments and worked hard to get where they are, did you think it just landed for them on a silver platter. NO. I don’t like Captain Horizon. Do I think they’re not talented? NO. I’m not here to defend them, but I see this a lot, oh my band aren’t doing well lets blame everyone else. So how bout you grow a pair, have a little faith and maybe your band might get big one day and then someone can blog about how much they suck and its unfair that their band is not big. Look, it’s a revolving door.
Er, they’re not my band. I don’t play in any band. I couldn’t really decipher much more of your dreadfully spelled and sub-literate nonsense. Sorry
Oh God, *finally* someone unleashes with fully justified venom upon Coldplay! The fuckers are popping up everywhere nowadays! “Come and see us perform live only by watching Youtube!”. Yes, well I’ll be on a hospital IV drip and a catheter before that happens, Chrissy boy.
Allow me to cut to the chase.
Coldplay are a load of shit and everyone who likes them is a middle class ponce who drives a 4×4 and calls his tea dinner. The sort of jessy who has fruit in the house when no-one is badly.
And anyone who wants a go at me, baby carrier or no can come and try it and I will effortlessly beat them to a pulp and piss on their prone twitching form.
Bah, that’s that. Now for some Motorhead.
That’s just beautiful
Something else you can conveniently fail to post but might be worth reading. Pretty much says everything I wanted to say but is written by a real journalist. Enjoy!
http://pitchfork.com/features/why-we-fight/8775-embarrassment-rock/
Dave Boring,
The comments part of the blog is for contributions that add something to the premise, whether for or against, and while some of your points have been worthy of consideration, they’ve been wrapped in an unpleasant and snidey blanket of personal attacks. I got bored of reading yet more tedious personal insults so elected, as is my right, not to publish your last few pieces of snide.
It’s also worth pointing out that I doubt very much you’d adopt that tone if we were having this debate, face-to-face, over a pint in the pub…
By contrast, I never write anything I either haven’t already said or would happily say to someone’s face-to-face. It’s a good rule of thumb to apply for all sorts of good reasons and one I suggest you adopt forthwith.
Secondly, the piece on ‘rockism’, while both interesting and of merit, misses its mark if, as can be reasonably assumed, it was aimed at me. You’ve made the classic mistake of making all sorts of assumptions based on one, fun-to-write (if not to read), semi-serious rant.
For the record, not that it matters a jot to anyone, I’m probably the most open minded music lover you’ve never met. Motorhead, Mahler (my absolute passion), Marc Almond, Freddie Hubbard, John Martyn, Salvation Army brass bands and even disposable 80s synth pop being some of the music I enjoy the most. Not to mention hair metal, classic rock, bop, bebop and post-Bop, swing, 80s soul, Baroque opera and Celtic folk.
I’m both amazed and a little unnerved you’ve spent so much time rebutting someone for whom you clearly have nothing but contempt. I find that a little odd, personally. Surely your life is much busier and much more interesting than this?
So, you want your comments published? Fine. Make your responses to me as courteous and as free from personal attacks as mine have been to you. If you can’t observe that basic standard of good manners then you won’t be published.
S&F, H.
My apologies. Genuinely. I know I am capable of coming off as a somewhat cantankerous prick and, in this case, I’ll raise my hands and say that I did get a little too personal in pursuit of The Point. Music is a massive part of my life and a deeply passionate subject as I’m sure it is to you and your fellow bloggers. As for the time spent, it really wasn’t much effort at all. My responses were mostly formulated during numerous coffee breaks and/or lunchtimes. I think the volume and detail of my replies implied more time spent but unfortunately no. I write as I speak and am a very poor self-editor.
You, Harry, are an articulate fellow and I have enjoyed your repsonses. I can’t say I agree with this piece even though, personally, I have no love for Coldplay or the Brits either. I took offence at the sheer level of hatred and aggression that seemed to ooze from it and merely redirected it back for your own personal reflection. For me, that’s the true joy of the blogosphere; it promotes debate and discussion. Where would Ying be with its Yang?
For the record, I genuinely did enjoy Anvil: the Story of Anvil.
Peace x
Thanks, Dave. Very gracious of you. It cannot be denied that I, too, am of a cantankerous and priapic nature
With you unreservedly regarding Anvil; cringe-inducing, pitiful, endearing and heart-warming, all at the same time.
Spot on! Every single word!
A spleen vented, yet not to be taken too literally I’d suggest. The Brits doesn’t enter my psyche, I pay it no heed, because I suppose of the valid reasons Harry offers and not because of ‘Tarquin and Jacosta’, I don’t even know them or their kind. I live a world away from theirs, yet mine is still occupied with folks all too eager to gobble up what mainstream media serves them…two sugars with your Maroon 5 sir? Fresh cream on your Keane? What’s the latest one I hear these folks gushing about, Goyte or something? It may be good for all I know, and I say to them “there’s a lot of good music around, and some of it you may even like….if you ever got to hear it”. But the point is, as Harry states, people are lazy when it comes to enjoying music, they like it selected for them like fresh fruit at the supermarket, easily accessible and available, or the majority of folks do anyway. Celebrate your individuality by paying no attention to the masses and their drip feed of mediocrity, hell I’m still listening to the Lou Reed and Metallica album on occassion, if for no other reason than to cleanse my soul of the daytime radio sacharin overdose I’m subliminaly subjected to whilst at work. As Stone Gossard of Pear Jam is seen to proclaim in last years fantastic movie Pearl Jam Twenty, “there may be something around here in the basement…oh look (shines torch) there’s a Grammy”. Nuff said.