Harry Paterson

Poor old Andy Copping, eh? The poor sod can’t do right for doing wrong. Every year it’s the same, tired, old story. The rumours regarding the next Download line-up start seeping out, one or two names are teasingly hinted at, Metal Hammer, Classic Rock etc, all get in on the act as the speculation mounts and then… the inevitable bitching and moaning sets in. Blogs, fan forums, the comments sections on the Hammer and CR websites all start to fill with furious and outraged fans venting their spleen.

“How the fuck can Pendulum be playing??? They aren’t even metal, dude!”

“OMG! Just heard System Of A Down are headlining the Saturday night! WTF is Copping on?”

“Download can fuck off this year. £150.00 for that load of old bollocks? They’re having a laugh!”

To make matters worse, the complaints are based on nothing more than spurious, selfish, subjective likes and dislikes. You hate Motorhead, say? Well screw all those that don’t, then. Your own, narrow-minded perspective is all that’s required to justify your self-centred and one-dimensional rant.

Part of me wants to tell these ‘fans’ to shut the feck up and show a little gratitude. Back in the day, rockers of my vintage had the Monsters Of Rock bash. One day, half a dozen bands and the sort of facilities that would raise blushes of shame on the cheeks of a Rio de Janeiro slum landlord. And most of that spent either sheltering from the torrential downpour or the blitzkrieg of piss-filled bottles hurtling skywards. That was it. That was all we had. Take it or leave it. No music TV either and hearing rock/metal on the radio? Apart from St Tommy of Vance’s Friday Night Rock Show, forget it.

But I digress. This isn’t an old fart’s rant about how the kids aint never had it so good. Not at all. Instead, let’s just imagine  all the myriad, complex, factors and equations brother Copping and his team have to negotiate, every year, to pull off the world’s most prestigious rock and metal festival. There is no way they’re gonna please everyone and after trying, valiantly, to do precisely that, what do we churlish ingrates do? We bitch, we moan, we whine, we complain. Pulling off Download every year must be akin to recreating the Allied invasion of Normandy and what thanks come their way? Only marginally more than sweet F.A., basically.

And so it was, that this year, I felt strange, sheepish and more than a little ashamed to find myself in the camp of the moaners. The reason, you may well ask? The Fecking Darkness, that’s what!

Now before the accusations of hypocrisy come flying my way, I’ll say right now I have a valid and considered argument for my displeasure (obviously) and it’s this; The Fecking Darkness imploded in 2006 and despite Stone Gods’ (a far superior band, in my humble opinion) ultimately unsuccessful attempt to replace Justin Hawkins’ derisory legacy with something more credible, the band, and its constituent parts, have since done nothing, achieved nothing and, of most significance, have not exactly been fighting off heartbroken fans’ tearful demands for a reunion either.

By contrast, Alter Bridge, shamefully playing third down the bill, below the Lowestoft loons, have been packing out houses and selling albums by the truckload. They are a happening band.

Apart from anything else, their front man, the sickeningly talented Myles Kennedy, due, in part, to last year’s Download appearance with Slash, currently maintains a far higher profile than The Fecking Darkness. The dates he’s playing with the former Gunner, later this summer, sold out on the first day and only a fool would suggest those sales were on the back of Slash’s rep alone.

Does Andy Copping seriously believe, and expect us to believe, that The Fecking Darkness will be a bigger draw than Alter Bridge? That the rock and metal cognoscenti will flock to see the clown Hawkins writhing and wriggling in his ridiculous jumpsuit in preference to the highly impressive Alter Bridge? From a purely commercial point of view, Copping’s decision is mystifying. There is more chance of me winning Miss Sexy Black America than there is of The Fecking Darkness shifting more tickets than Alter Bridge! How on earth can this pack of has-beens, fronted by the arch, smirking Justin Hawkins, merit a higher placing than the infinitely more commercially and critically viable Alter Bridge?

“OMG! Just heard The Darkness are main support on the Friday night! WTF is Copping on?”

Answers on a postcard, please…